me.

This is who I am:

I am a very sensitive person. I will get upset really easily, but you can make me happy real easily too. I am not self-assured. I am insecure.I am afraid, very very much afraid, that you won’t perceive me beautiful. I am afraid my art will not be called beautiful.

Yes, I crave acceptance, I crave affection, the innocent kind, I crave actual smiles. I crave love. But I am afraid the person I will love won’t love me. I am very insecure about that, whatever might that mean. I crave appreciation for what I do, for existing.

I think about stuff, I don’t want to talk about songs and movies. I want to know who you are. How you think. How you perceive.

I love listening to the sound of the thunder and rain at night. I love when someone is good to me. I love stories.

But I am thoughtful often too. I care about other humans. I can’t hurt someone. I (like many other humans) get hurt easily.

I cry too when I am very sad.

That’s what I hid. But no more.

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Irrationality.

One thing that annoys me the most about this blog is that how egotistical it really it. Go through any random post and there’s this person talking about himself.”I am that…I did this..”.

I’ll be super-egotistical in talking about this. (Get the entendre?)

I am not an egotistical person at all. I do not like to talk about myself. There are people I meet on a regular basis(almost everyone I ever meet), and the only subject they would wanna talk about is themselves. Whatever, I do not want to be such a person. So how are you?

It’s very much possible that I do not like talking about myself, because I love generalizations. I love abstractions. Not random facts. Understanding the machine. Getting the bigger picture of things. Objective reality. Take a tour.

The brain which wrote down this statement has been classified as INTP. Rationalist. Let us call it ‘me’ or ‘I’ for convenience’s sake. So do “I” (subconsciously?) view humans as “questions” or “problems” meant to be solved? Extremely likely. The result of years of evolution that I am, my brain has been hard-coded or “hard-wired” for empathy, love, sorrow and other human emotions. Observation has told me I am completely ‘normal’ in these regards, as in I am not a sociopath. The rationalists are often confused for sociopaths. I have not checked the statistics for co-relation between rationality and sociopathy. Rationalists like me always tend to be ‘socially awkward’, the reason being we are ‘thinkers’, every human is an over-thinker. But there is one crucial difference, everyone else zones out while they are “thinking” they reconstruct past situations, envision the future, worry, or plan. Basically go round in circles, thinking nothing definite. The feelers’ thoughts don’t seem to have a structure, my thought’s do. Its an assumption and may or may not be true. The only thing I’m sure thing in this world is that there is no sure thing.

That, above, is my typical thought pattern. And is probably because of these “thought patterns” that people find it difficult to relate to me (rationals are rare).  Even though, I do not have any problem understanding them or their feelings.

From the movie, “A Beautiful Mind”, during the Nobel Prize Ceremony.

Nash: What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me to the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. I have made the most important discovery of my career – the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found. I am only here tonight because of you

[looking at and speaking to Alicia]

Nash: You are the only reason I am. You are all my reasons. Thank you.

These random rants. On self, reality, love, humanity, death.

I have not really given up on people. If you happen to meet someone who wants to hear you speak, who’d read your blog post with delight. I think it’d be pretty great. Do we really meet them anymore? I do not know. Notice, I am not really talking about it from a romantic point of view.  Isn’t it possible to have great relations? Relations that will not really need definitions?

Weird how everyone seems already engaged (to a group maybe). Its weird no one wants to speak out their hearts.

Sometimes one meets great people. At least, I recently did. Uhhh…. its hard to describe, its in the feelings. So angelic. It was great. I wasn’t in “love”. It was more of an appreciation, wonder, respect, amusement.

There is something I am pretty proud of myself, I have found I can fall in love with other people’s minds (their souls?) man or woman. What I have realized is that we change our minds often. You might be ‘stuck’ in the same body, but as a person, as a soul, as a mind, you change, you become a different soul.

“For what I thought was beautiful, don’t live inside you anymore.” – Axl Rose.

Souls disappear. Or erect walls around themselves. Aren’t our souls like our ‘source code’. It keeps on changing. So what might love be? Its when two people completely familiar with each others ‘code’, decide to synchronize their codes, they change together, modify each others code, each of them responsible of another soul as well. So that both can grow.

Retrospect.

Reading my posts from before shocks me. We humans change! It seems straight out of a stranger’s personal diary. “Oh! Damn.”, were my thoughts as I read it,”I wish I had written something I care about. Topics like happiness, love, the humanity…”.

I will write on though! Track my evolution (haphazardly) through the years.

I have been thinking about artificial intelligence, and doing some psychology reading.
I had never thought the Myers-Briggs Test could affect me so profoundly. I dug deeper into it, what it gave me was an explanation of my behavior. Wow, to be reduced to a 4 letter ‘type’. A few questions and an experienced psychologist could predict any human’s behavior.

I’m a hater of flashy things and self-descriptions. And Meta-cognition.

Hi.

Music Suggestion: Van Halen’s Jump

I’m fucked. I am a thinker about thought. Its called meta-cognition. Wikipedia it.

I have always been one. What its like is, I think about my thoughts, think about my mind, think about “why” I am perceiving the way I am [as opposed to thinking about the “what”,which is what ‘->you’ think about.]

I think about the way the brain is working, and then (where it explodes into something weird and recursive) why am I thinking about thinking…

Its not limited to thoughts, its extends to almost everything I do, for instance ‘what should I do/think so that I can prepare for the math exam, without ‘preparing’ for the math exam’. A lot of such questions are answered by a pretty generic answer, be smarter. Duh! I do not want to discuss that over here, also the research about smartness is pretty controversial, hence.

I believe everyone is a meta-thinker to a certain degree. Its the degree that varies, just like everyone’s degree of kinesthetic intelligence varies, musical intelligence varies etc. [I am not saying you can’t be trained.]

What I’d like would be my thinking to be more mathematical rather than meta-mathematical. So I can actually go to the field and do something, rather than philosophize about it all day long and conclude that it isn’t worth doing.

This is the end.

I love to learn.

1:33 AM. 19th July, 2015

I had been skill-ing up. Playing chess, mountaineering, driving!

Yep, I have been training. And I’m loving it! Have I told you about my obsessions? Neuro-plasticity ranks high in that list.

[Watch the series ‘Redesign your brain’, its great. At least much better than Nat Geo’s ‘Brain Games’]

During the last 24 hours of my life, I have discovered that this is what makes me happy. This is what that drives me: Learning. I want to push my limits

If you’ve checked my page in which I rant about the genius, you will understand. And its not just mathematical intelligence I value. Spatial-kinesthetic intelligence, emotional intelligence, social intelligence are all skills I’d want to get better at.

[I’ve played RuneScape]

Books.

I’m reading Daniel Khaneman’s ‘Thinking Fast and Slow’. And now I’m all over the place paranoid. Looking for stimuli that might affect (should ‘effect’ be used here?) my life. Even subconsciously.

No Facebook. No random television stuff. The non-random tv might be good. I discovered the cool Redesign Your Brain documentary over there. I prefer books, anyway. They are almost always good. Also House MD. I have watched it, and re-watched it. Dark humor. Science. Hot women.

All in all, I loved ‘Thinking Fast and Slow’. Another good book in behavioral econ is ‘Predictably Irrational’ by Dan Aierly.

This whole rationality thing. It never was a part of my personality. One fine day I randomly start watching Sal Khan’s microeconomics videos (@KhanAcademy.org) and woosh! I was all about making rational choices. After learning some basic economic stuff, I progressed onto behavioral econ. Its like econ and psychology had idea-sex to create this awesome thing that is behavioral econ.

…and then started I reading the mammoth book ‘Godel Escher Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid’. Its not an overstatement when I say the book changed the way I think. Enough about books. But oh!

Yesterday I also started ‘Bobby Fischer teaches chess’. But am yet to advance in it.

Tired.

I like sleep. I gotta sleep now, but only after watching a documentary and if I can’t sleep, a House MD episode.

This post may not seem like much, but acts like a milestone to a great and positive change in my life.

Night!

You should go get some sleep too!

An Idea.

July 15th, 2015.

Yay! I have an idea!

I was strolling on the roof of my house today morning at about 1 am. And voila! I had an awesome idea for an app. Its a social networking app. Ironic, because my track record in socializing isn’t great, really.

Anyway, I hope to develop it. My 3rd semester in college starts next month. I will start a startup.

I found a really cool guy today on the Quora today, James Altucher. The uncanny think about people in Quora is that they seem to have solutions to everything in life and that too in a systematic presentable bullet-style kind of way. Way to go folks! I wish I could list things like they do.

Coming back to the idea of ideas. I generated some other ideas too today. Guess I’ll keep generating!

p.s To the fan who is reading this years later. there’s a message for you: I am as clueless about life as you are now!

p.p.s  I’m sorry there’s some inconsistency in the dates of some of my posts. The date of publication is past the date I mention in the post. And that’s because I had created the blog long before I put any content into it.